Ownership Has It Privileges

Every now and then we find ourselves in a spot where we are not happy with where we are and are also unsure of where we want to go. It may be on a job, in a relationship or just with personal happiness in general. Regardless, of what part of your life there is one element that is common among them all: you are the person that can change it.

What does this look like in a unhealthy relationship? You cannot change a person but you are in control of whether you stay with someone or deal with others that don't choose to value you or see you for who you truly are. You control who gets to come in and out of your personal space. The first step is to strop making excuses for why others make the choices they make. It is not for you to justify or explain why others can make you a lower priority or disrespect you. It is for you to choose to be your most authentic self and only allow those you support and respect you into your inner circle.

Since you don't get to make excuses for others, you also don't get to blame others for your poor choices in relationships, for staying on a job that doesn't make you happy or for why you haven't changed your life to be happier. Life is a precious gift and it is your job to make the best of it.
The wonderful thing about owning your life and choices is that even when you are not the happiest, you can find peace in knowing that you are working towards something better.

It sounds easy to say these things but as I honestly walk through my Job experiences, I have had to review most of the choices I have made in my life. Why did I continue to work in organizations where I felt unappreciated or disrespected? Why am I staying in an unhealthy relationship with someone who has no concept of their faults or a desire to change? Why do you allow people (opposite or same sex) into your personal life that only help perpetuate old unhealthy behaviors? You may very well find yourself in a very new space. Possibly alone and maybe even lonely, confused and/or unsure? But we must remember that change is not a comfortable thing and at the end of the day we will either find ourselves in a better place or empowered to make more changes as we continue to strive for the life God has planned for us Jeremiah 29:11 - plans to give us hope and a future and to do us no harm).

TLKW

Emotional Incest

There are times when a connection between parents and children go beyond the healthy bounds of a healthy parental –child boundaries. Men grow up but they are unable to become true husbands and fathers because they have failed to clarify healthy bounds with their mother. Girls grow up but do not become stable wives because they do not learn to be independent of their enabling parents.

There is even more damage done with the over dependence of these unhealthy relationships when a mother endures decades of a physically abusive relationship and uses her son to supplement her broken marriage. When a mother chooses to use her son as her confidant and friend in the absence of that in her marriage there can be no positive effect. To show and discuss bruises and emotional abuse with a child. He is groomed to become her protector as only a husband should. He understands without saying a word that he is now responsible for her in a way that even his father was not.

When a young woman comes along she becomes the mother’s competition for “her man” and not the future daughter or daughter-in-law. This young woman has naively stepped into a fight with someone poised to destroy in order to sustain what she has created to make her life livable. This situation is not improved when the young woman has her own brokenness and an inability to set good boundaries.

This has been my story. I married into a glass house. Unknowingly, I fell in love with a beautiful man with more brokenness in his family than I could have imagined. Preacher’s son, a house filled with physical abuse and a mother-in-law who has chosen to complete her marriage with her son’s affection and protection. Add to that my being a daughter groomed by an enabler, I did not run when the veil was being lifted. I saw only who he could be not who he was choosing to be. Countless years (14 year to be exact) of fighting for his attention, competing with a mother-wife and never truly afforded the opportunity to be the number one woman in his life. I do not blame her or him. She coped and she is proud that in spite of more than two decades of physical abuse, she stayed married. She is still the preacher’s wife and she believes that her glass house is still intact. Her son believes he is a good man because he does not beat a woman as his father did, emotional abuse and neglect do not count. Oh, the instance of pushing his wife, he resolved that she misinterpreted being pushed pregnant and almost going down the stairs. What did his mother say, “Oh you don’t love him enough to get over him putting his hands on you.”

Fast forward, to a healthier space. The choice to leave a marriage that fidelity was never option, being the number one woman in his life could not be and being a primary provider for his wife and children was never truly considered. I take ownership for choosing this relationship. I forgive myself for fighting for what was rightfully mine and should have been given freely. I should have chosen me sooner and not settled for less. I choose to pursue something genuine. Not looking for greener grass just looking for real grass.

Below are resources that can be used to better understand this dilemma. Understanding and building yourself up is the opportunity of a lifetime and it begins with gaining new knowledge.

“Opportunities are missed by most people because that come dressed in overalls and look like work. “

– Thomas Edison

I personally recommend the first two books. These books helped me understand what I had been fighting and how to stop fighting a battle that I would never win.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=pd_sim_b_4

http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/006074104X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308405463&sr=1-1

The resources I have briefly perused and find them to be informative.

http://www.donnawilliams.net/emotionalincest.0.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Incest-Syndrome-Parents-Rules/dp/055335275X

Time with God

This past weekend, I was at a spiritual retreat. I was such a refreshing space to be in; surrounded by women who were sincere and determine to maximize their time in the presence of God. Now we all know that God is with us at all times, but sometimes there is a need to take some time alone to listen to God more than we talk. I decided before I left that it would be a time to reset with God. To repent for the things I felt were out of order in my life. I found myself swept away into a refresher class of his plans to do something greater in my life.

HE IS NOT LISTENING!!

As I said before, I went with repentance on my mind. God, I’ m sorry. I wanted to list all of the things I felt I had been doing wrong. God’s response both directly to my spirit and through others he directed to address me was “Let it all go. I have work for you to do.” But God, I’m trying to repent. God’s response, “I need you to focus on what I need you to do.” I said to him you are not listening to me. My loving God, finally let me know I could get it off chest but then we could talk about more important things. My wonderful God, who loves me more than I could or can truly imagine, helped me release the guilt and hurt I carried to him. And in his lap, I was relieved of deep seated pain that I couldn’t cry out or scream out or just ignore. But it was taken like someone lifting a stack of center blocks off my stomach.

LORD, I AM LISTENING!!

As we all do, I have returned to the daily challenges of life. Asking for protection, from even my poor choices. However, it is different. I am rejuvenated and humbled. I walk listening to hear his direction. I acknowledge and depend on instructions from the Holy Spirit like a Christian that just felt the presence of God for the first. Hear him saying to me, “Trust me baby. I will take care of you.” And in this space, I choose to do just that. TRUST HIM.

Putting It All Out There

I have considered blogging on several occasions but withdrew because I know myself. I am a very transparent person and it may very well make some others very uncomfortable. I refuse to talk about the superficial. I am a real person with real issues and I understand that I am not alone. I am just one of the few people that will”SAY IT" without concern for being judged. I would like to say that's true. However, I walk in so many roles; I have allowed myself to become burdened by the titles and resigned to respect those around me who can't handle full honesty.

However, I have also recognized that God uses me best when I am open and willing to share the real parts of who I am. So, for my friends, personal family, and church family, I will attempt to temper my openness with respect for where my story ends and yours begins, but I will tell my story.

Yesterday, I was approached in church my a member who felt it necessary to remind me that I am still considered a coupled with my husband, from whom I am legally separated and feel no conviction nor have any desire to return to. These are the things that make balancing the hardships of life even more difficult. This Christian brother that knows nothing about who I am. Granted he has recently begun to develop a relationship with my future ex-husband. However, he has had no real contact with me that would provide insight into who I am as a person. Instead of using this situation to stir up anger and foolishness, it has inspired me to use my voice. I do mean my BIG VOICE in an effort to empower myself and others to continue to walk in the guidance of the Holy Spirit and shed the burden of the opinions of others.

Today, I begin to walk my walk to the fullest. I will share what I learn and learn from what others share with me.


Let's Go!!!

I am a "perfectly 37" year old African American, legally separated mother of two, starting over with God and a wonderfully supportive group of family and friends. I am grateful for all that I have but I acknowledge the journey that I am embarking upon. I am a teacher, a minister, a daughter, and little sister. All of these roles add to the intricacies of what I feel can or cannot be done as I start new endeavors.

I must first acknowledge the mistakes and successes of the past. I invested 14 years (2 yrs dating and 12 years of marriage) into building a life with a man. I will pass no judgment on his character I will only share my experiences and pray that others can learn from what God has allowed me to learn.

I spent the majority of those years enduring emotional abuse from him and his mother. The emotional incestuous relationship was his priority, followed by his fraternity and whatever else he chose to shift to the top. I make no suggestions that I was perfect. We both destroyed the marriage, in action, failure to act and sheer stupidity at times. My first mistake was definitely a failure to act. I never made it a requirement that I be a priority. From the time we dated, I swallowed the passive aggressive ass whippings from his mother and never demanded that he be my husband rather than hers. I did not know how to say "no" to him for the longest time.
Yes, I am one of those strong and loud black women. I have always been a stabling force for him. I was the provider, the strategist and whatever else was needed. Nevertheless, I did not know how to establish balance in a threesome marriage. I did not pay attention to the signs that told me the truth about who I was choosing. Not that I would have chosen differently but I could have at least walked it out in a healthier manner and who knows it could have ended differently.

Sooooo, each topic for this blog will be connected to my story and accompanied with tools for handling similar dilemmas in a healthier and more constructive manner.